There was this one time he apologized. He said he shouldn’t hit me. He said he was sorry. He also told me that the most important thing is, that I shouldn’t make him mad. This would have never happened if I didn’t.
So I created a pattern. I became a person who obssesively diagnosed every move, facial expression, word, breath. I became a deep well, where I hid my every need. My every humain feeling. I became a walking detector, that always ended up in relationships where the red ligh had the brightest color.
I became a saviour who tried to save everyone else, when I should have saved myself.
I forgave everyone else, when I should have forgiven myself.
I became a hollow person, who couldn’t love. I became a girl trying to find love in someone else’s bed.
I was, and still am a woman who doesn’t know what intimacy is. It is beautiful. Like a rose. But it scares the hell out of me.
Because when a child supposed to clinge into their father’s arms for safety, but the father is the one to shelter yourself from, where do you go?
So I keep my distance. At least for now.
I was so obsessed to be loved, that I forgot to love myself.
And today. Let me tell you. I know love. I have found it within myself. It was always this close. Within me.
And I realized, I can’t find it in anyone else.
Knowing this, my soul has found a little fountain of peace.
I don’t know if I ever will be completely healed, but I know that I never believed I would become this powerful, loving, beautiful woman that I am. So for the first time waiting for tomorrow doesn’t scare the hell outta me.
